[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
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My dog: I can’t get her up.
My Other dog: Did you lick her face?
My dog: Yeah, no dice.
My other dog: Did you run to the door and back?
My dog: Yes. Sheesh.
My Cat: Get out of my way, amateurs. *hurk* *gag* *hurk* Now she’s up, peasants.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
I don’t have a drinking problem, I’m very good at it
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick