*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*

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[First day studying philosophy]

Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.

Me: Me?

Professor: Yes.

Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?

Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.


My dog: I can’t get her up.

My Other dog: Did you lick her face?

My dog: Yeah, no dice.

My other dog: Did you run to the door and back?

My dog: Yes. Sheesh.

My Cat: Get out of my way, amateurs. *hurk* *gag* *hurk* Now she’s up, peasants.


I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed


at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed


ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!



Coach: Ice cream! My treat

Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?

Coach: My treat


Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.


If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July


I don’t have a drinking problem, I’m very good at it


Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick