*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
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[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
I’m about to risk it all
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.