*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
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Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
OMG 🤣🤣
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.