*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
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Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.