@TheAlexP

*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*

Me: want a piece?

Her: wrong, whole.

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@UncleDuke1969

Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?

@zachreinert03

Recently joined the mile high club sandwich. That’s when you have sex on a plane, and it’s with a sandwich

@BrownDogBlanket

I watched Neil deGrasse Tyson talk about Milky Ways for an hour and I still have no idea what nougat is.

@mattZillaaaa

I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined

@Nachos0verHoes

How can my mum hear me whisper something under my breath but can’t hear me shout YEAHHHH from my room when she screams my name 10 times

@joshreavis

“I don’t need any more books. I need to finish the books I have.”

Sees new book:

@SkinnerSteven

A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank

@Real_Dick_Head

When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.

@ShellHasDragons

I’m not a nun goddammit. Unless my kids are on Twitter, in which case, I ONLY HAD SEX WITH YOUR DAD THREE (3) TIMES AND IT WASN’T FUN OK?!?

@billwurtz

it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first