What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
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Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Phonetics
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
why I oughta
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
😅😅😅
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.