Brings donuts to work because if I can’t be skinny neither can you.

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With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.


Grampa: Hashtag, Cool glasses.

Me: Hashtags are a social media thing. You don’t have to say, hashtag

G: Hashtag, not my favorite grandson


I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.


*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.


republican: taxes are bad
democrat: they’re good
[i ride by on a skateboard eating go-gurt] its yogurt in a tube, dipshits. ever heard of it


Son: Can you leave the light on?
Me: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
Son: What?
Me: What?


My grandmother’s secret ingredient?

Cigarette ashes


right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson


Me: u can walk around without shoes

Teacher: right

Me: but after a while it hurts your feet

Teacher: ok

Me: so time wounds all the heels


If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.