*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
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Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
This was the best day of my life
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot