*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
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sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
A friend sent me this.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.