@ShutUpThatsWho

[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]

[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]

[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]

[Everybody cuts foot loose]

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@bholejuice

If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.

@SnarkyMommy78

4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*

Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*

4: don’t want to talk about it anymore

@Marlebean

It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.

And also the truth that you’re a moron.

@rachelle_mandik

this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same

@CruisinSoozan

Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.

@thetits

[texting]

ME: I like you, I think you’re cute

MY CRUSH: oh um

ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that

@hippieswordfish

[calls wife] honey help

‘whats wrong?’

im done shopping at the door store but now i cant tell which one is the exit

‘ok just stop crying’

@Tmoney68

[Theater]

GF: I got M&M’s.

Me: I can’t eat those here.

GF: Why?

M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.

@JoeRegular4

Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity