The first judge ever was like “When I’m done talking I’ll pound my desk with a hammer” and we were all “Ok that’s not insane”
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
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I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
I don’t care how old you are, the only safe way to guarantee the monster under the bed doesn’t grab you is to use the run and jump method.
My dream job? That’s easy:
Be one of those Muppets that sit up in balcony making fun of everyone.
That’s Old School Twitter.
Elon Musk: *launches car into space*
Me: why don’t you do something for economically poor class
Elon Musk: *launches bicycle into space*
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.