If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
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4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
[calls wife] honey help
im done shopping at the door store but now i cant tell which one is the exit
‘ok just stop crying’
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity