@ShutUpThatsWho

[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]

[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]

[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]

[Everybody cuts foot loose]

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@NicestHippo

The first judge ever was like “When I’m done talking I’ll pound my desk with a hammer” and we were all “Ok that’s not insane”

@VerbsRProudest

I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.

@eileencurtright

On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it

@ThugRaccoons

Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.

Executioner: This is literally your last meal.

@inthefade

what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex

@BrattyBarbie

I don’t care how old you are, the only safe way to guarantee the monster under the bed doesn’t grab you is to use the run and jump method.

@Shock_Monster

My dream job? That’s easy:

Be one of those Muppets that sit up in balcony making fun of everyone.

That’s Old School Twitter.

@Jerrypleasure

Elon Musk: *launches car into space*

Me: why don’t you do something for economically poor class

Elon Musk: *launches bicycle into space*

@daddydoubts

Wife: how’s potty training been today?

Me: he peed twice!

Wife: that’s great!

Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.