[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]

[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]

[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]

[Everybody cuts foot loose]

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If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.


4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*

Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*

4: don’t want to talk about it anymore


It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.

And also the truth that you’re a moron.


this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same


Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.



ME: I like you, I think you’re cute

MY CRUSH: oh um

ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that


[calls wife] honey help

‘whats wrong?’

im done shopping at the door store but now i cant tell which one is the exit

‘ok just stop crying’



GF: I got M&M’s.

Me: I can’t eat those here.

GF: Why?

M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.


Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity