[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
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Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
my proudest tweet
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.