*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*

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They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness


EVOLUTION: Behold, the cat, the perfect combination of stealth, power, and aggression. After millions of years, I have finally created the greatest hunter of them all.

*I place a very small bell on the cat’s collar*

EVOLUTION: No! Stop! You’re ruining it!!!


I really hope the Tesla board doesn’t force out Elon Musk because that it 100% how we get a Green Goblin scenario


Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.


I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.


Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.


As a Jew, I refuse to enter any steam room or sauna until I’ve seen other people come out.


Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit