*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
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Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall