*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
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[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.