[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
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I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.