[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]

– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside

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“Have you tried sleeping? Okay. And you’ve had enough burritos lately? Hmm. Well, this is puzzling.” – me as a doctor


forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.


[home depot]

ME: do you have marble counters?

CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9

ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000


Me: Here you go.

Her: WTF?

Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.

Her: I said gelatin mold!

Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*


12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?

Me: Because I love you.


IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice

ME: I really don’t know what you want from me


I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead


What did u do last night?

Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey

Don’t u mean sorrows?

Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?


Just tried to cook something from scratch and ended up summoning a demon.


“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag