“Have you tried sleeping? Okay. And you’ve had enough burritos lately? Hmm. Well, this is puzzling.” – me as a doctor
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
You Might Also Like
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Me: Here you go.
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Just tried to cook something from scratch and ended up summoning a demon.