[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
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I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.