@AimeeHelene1

*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*

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@Reverend_Scott

[movie studio in the 2010s]

“This script stars The Rock as-”

Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT

@Megatronic13

[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]

Me: are you breaking up with me?!

Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?

Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me

Demon: why are you this way

@Gooooats

Drive by shootings are just one more example of Americans being too lazy to get out of their cars.

@Bagyants

My gangster name would be The Street. If someone dared to oppose me I’d say ominous things like “Look both ways before you cross The Street”

@panmidwest

BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired

@hipstermermaid

“The Shining” is my favorite documentary about what happens when you don’t have an Internet connection.

@kumailn

“Every family on 2013 had ‘quite the year’.” – study conducted using Christmas newsletters

@_ElvishPresley_

*reads list of assassin targets*

“Eggs, milk…what the-”

[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*

@AliceGolightly_

Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?

* smiles suggestively *

Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.

@PleaseBeGneiss

NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs

SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail

NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug

SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?

NOAH:

SLUG:

NOAH: karaoke’s at 7