*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*

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[movie studio in the 2010s]

“This script stars The Rock as-”



[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]

Me: are you breaking up with me?!

Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?

Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me

Demon: why are you this way


Drive by shootings are just one more example of Americans being too lazy to get out of their cars.


My gangster name would be The Street. If someone dared to oppose me I’d say ominous things like “Look both ways before you cross The Street”


BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired


“The Shining” is my favorite documentary about what happens when you don’t have an Internet connection.


“Every family on 2013 had ‘quite the year’.” – study conducted using Christmas newsletters


*reads list of assassin targets*

“Eggs, milk…what the-”

[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*


Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?

* smiles suggestively *

Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.


NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs

SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail

NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug

SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?



NOAH: karaoke’s at 7