*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
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Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot