*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
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Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
fixed it
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”