*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
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one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.