The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
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Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Just a reminder, folks: