@doktorj

*brings whipped cream to bed*

Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?

Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?

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@wife_housy

Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.

@TheAndrewNadeau

GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.

ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.

GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”

ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?

@Elizasoul80

I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.

@SPAC3CRAF

Please do not power off or unplug your machine. Installing update 45 of 9484727192873828277362517293847265127826262827262726273633833727…

@AimeeHelene1

*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*

Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.

Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.

Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?

@wolfpupy

i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day

@TedOfficialPage

What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”

@living_marble

Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.