Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
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GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
“do you like string?”
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Please do not power off or unplug your machine. Installing update 45 of 9484727192873828277362517293847265127826262827262726273633833727…
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*
Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.