Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
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“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
i’m laughing very hard in real life
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?