Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
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Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?