britain’s three elite institutions
You Might Also Like
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Otters see a butterfly.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?