CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
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Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.