British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
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I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.