British people be like “I’m Bri ish” cause they drank the “T”😭
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Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
When something says it needs 2 minutes in the microwave but 40 minutes in the oven it does make you think a little bit about wtf is going down in the microwave
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
If you play The Grinch backward, his heart shrinks after interacting with people and that’s a lot more accurate.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
My apartment is a mess, I should move
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
“HELP WITH CAT”
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
👏WHY👏DO👏WE👏CALL👏TINY👏BAGS👏”BAGGIES”👏BUT👏TINY👏BOXES👏AREN’T👏CALLED👏”BOXIES”👏THAT’S👏SOME👏BULLSHIT👏CALL👏THEM👏”BOXIES”👏IMMEDIATELY👏NO👏JUSTICE👏NO👏PEACE👏AND👏WHATNOT!👏
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids