Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
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Acronyms got me like WTF?
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin