British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
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ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.