Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
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If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre