British people: Unicycle

American people: Collegecycle

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It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.


What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.


BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do


[after my funeral]

Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—

My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.


It’s October: For everyone’s safety, keep your blonde haired children away from all corn mazes. Do not let them congregate.


“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg


I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.


WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.