British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
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I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly