It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
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What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
*loses you in a crowd*
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
It’s October: For everyone’s safety, keep your blonde haired children away from all corn mazes. Do not let them congregate.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.