*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
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Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
I’m literally crying
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Just as the prophecy foretold
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days