Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
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Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car