British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
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Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Single and childfree like Jesus
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl