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I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.


Them: why are you wearing a cape?

Me: i feel naked without it

Them: you are naked

Me: no, i’m wearing my cape


The pen is mightier than the sword if you have a really good pen and a really shitty sword.


With all due respect to the Spice Girls. If you’re gonna be my lover, I would prefer it if you didn’t get with my friends


I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.


i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.


It only took four men to wallpaper my house, but I had to slice them really thin.


Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.

Universe: Hold my beer.


Name brands really are better. For instance, I just found out that the Tide pen works much better on stains than regular pens


Cop- Do you have any drugs in the vehicle?

-No, go fish.