British websites use biscuits.
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me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.