“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
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Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.