@GlennPriceMann

Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.

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@Quartzjixler

Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.

@junejuly12

Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.

@mikeysny

When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.

@GrantTanaka

1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse

@jaeIeon

I remember when I was a kid I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips 2 candy bars 6 packs of starburst and a cold drink. nowadays they got cameras everywhere

@CrisMtzgr

Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”

@dave_cactus

There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.

@murrman5

“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”

@Marcmywords2

It’s all fun and games till a Murder Hornet gets caught under your mask.