Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
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I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.