I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
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Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
When Edison got the idea for the lightbulb, an oil lamp appeared over his head.