Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
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Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
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