“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”

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[christmas day]

God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they

Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever

God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer


Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.


If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.


Grandma: what’s oversharing?

Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.


Life is basically avoiding people who have seen you naked while trying to find new people to see you naked.


I could lose 120 pounds in less than a week, but apparently there’s some kind of silly NewYork law against killing your ex.


[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.


I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”


I woke up in the middle of the night to jot down this million dollar idea