God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
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Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Life is basically avoiding people who have seen you naked while trying to find new people to see you naked.
This is always good for a laugh.
I could lose 120 pounds in less than a week, but apparently there’s some kind of silly NewYork law against killing your ex.
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
ME: …mint condition.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
I woke up in the middle of the night to jot down this million dollar idea