Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
You Might Also Like
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.