“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
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I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin