@comer310

Bro: *on phone* Babe. Babe. Babe. Babe. BABE!

Dude: You’re so whipped.

Bro: What? I just got her to rent Babe instead of The Notebook.

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@BoomBoomBetty

My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.

*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face

Now it looks like me.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?

@Brianhopecomedy

I told my wife that size shouldn’t matter so she went out shopping and bought my “boys room” a new 4 inch TV.

@Dahmerscookpot

Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

@Ameiam

So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?

@dubstep4dads

i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community

@_davidlucas_

People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.

@whatbabytalk

My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*

Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!

4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?

@LoveNLunchmeat

Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.