whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
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My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.