My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Bro: *on phone* Babe. Babe. Babe. Babe. BABE!
Dude: You’re so whipped.
Bro: What? I just got her to rent Babe instead of The Notebook.
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How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
I told my wife that size shouldn’t matter so she went out shopping and bought my “boys room” a new 4 inch TV.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.