Bro: *on phone* Babe. Babe. Babe. Babe. BABE!

Dude: You’re so whipped.

Bro: What? I just got her to rent Babe instead of The Notebook.

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My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.

*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face

Now it looks like me.


How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?


I told my wife that size shouldn’t matter so she went out shopping and bought my “boys room” a new 4 inch TV.


Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming


So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?


i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community


People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.


My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*

Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!

4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?


Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.