People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
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I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
I feel it
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
yeah not falling for this one