@NicestHippo

“Bro she’s a cold digger”
[later with gf]
Do you only want me for my germs?
[she stops licking my face]
Why would you ask that?

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@trevso_electric

Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,

@platinum2000

“Get over yourself.”

*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog

@ArfMeasures

Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home

Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later

@bourgeoisalien

Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.

@Koonass3

If they criticize your driving, look them straight in the eye while you turn their airbag off.

@KentWGraham

You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.

@donni

“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically

@ErikaFromMaine

if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent

@onedavedeep

Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”