“Bro she’s a cold digger”
[later with gf]
Do you only want me for my germs?
[she stops licking my face]
Why would you ask that?

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Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,


“Get over yourself.”

*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog


Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home

Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later


Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.


If they criticize your driving, look them straight in the eye while you turn their airbag off.


You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.


“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically


if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent


Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”