Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
“Bro she’s a cold digger”
[later with gf]
Do you only want me for my germs?
[she stops licking my face]
Why would you ask that?
You Might Also Like
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
If they criticize your driving, look them straight in the eye while you turn their airbag off.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
The Silence of the Lambs.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”