My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
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Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”