Bro this is the funniest shit Iāve seen in a minute š the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
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The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think Iām trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Quarantine sucks in a house thatās haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying āYOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.ā
Call me faithless, but I just canāt believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I canāt even do that when Iām sober
I wish I had my momās zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she āalways wanted a house with a secret passage.ā mom you live in a trailer
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ābribe meā]
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Me, December 2016: Iām going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, āhow sad, she doesnāt know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.ā
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Itās not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
You know in the first āAustin Powersā when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Umā¦yes, well Iām not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: whatād you guys do
5 y/o: camped
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and iād probably say āwhat are you gonna do, stab me?ā
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
āReal men like a woman with curvesā ā Fat Chicks
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. Thatās nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know Iām better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicineā¦Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I donāt love you, never haveā¦Now drink your poison.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Itāll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, Iāve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep