@OhNoSheTwitnt

Brobbits before Hobbits

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@MissHavisham

Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.

@tourettzgoth

Keep an identical glass of vodka next to the glass of water on your bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette

@JoParkerBear

Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder

@WilliamAder

I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.

@AbbieEvansXO

Nobody:

Mime:

Mute person:

Fight club member:

Parrot:

Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no

@Kayditty

Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.

@Gre_Gone

Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH

@stephenjmolloy

Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”

Stan: “Hey there.”

@stevevsninjas

Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.

@Cpin42

I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.