Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Brobbits before Hobbits
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Keep an identical glass of vodka next to the glass of water on your bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Fight club member:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.