I’d never lie just to get a girl to sleep with me, is one of my favorite lies to tell girls that I am trying to sleep with.
Bro:hey how are you?
Me: eh, feeling stabby
B:I’m afraid if I tell you that’s not a real word you’ll show me what it means.
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Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
My nephew asked, ‘Do you have a New Years hangover today?’ I said, ‘No. Hangovers are for people who stop drinking’.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
“Calm down” I suggested.
“WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I’M NOT CALM?” she carved in the side of my truck.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
things getting way heated on my picture of flowers #couplestherapy
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.