@SexyKitty975

Bro:hey how are you?
Me: eh, feeling stabby
B:
B:I’m afraid if I tell you that’s not a real word you’ll show me what it means.
Me: smart

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@WeissBrandon

I’d never lie just to get a girl to sleep with me, is one of my favorite lies to tell girls that I am trying to sleep with.

@amydillon

Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.

@realHamOnWry

My nephew asked, ‘Do you have a New Years hangover today?’ I said, ‘No. Hangovers are for people who stop drinking’.

@vineyille

FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised

@girlziplocked

If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.

@shaztaberry

Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do

@jergarl

“Calm down” I suggested.

“WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I’M NOT CALM?” she carved in the side of my truck.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing

me: oh *declines it* thank you

@itsa_talia

things getting way heated on my picture of flowers #couplestherapy

@Fickle_Filly

I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.