my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
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If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
where the womens at?
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party