This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Broke a light bulb today.
Seven years of bad ideas?
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Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
“Dad, how come we use plastic forks and my friends all have silverware?”
– Because they’re poor and have to reuse everything.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again