@Hormonella

Broke a light bulb today.

Seven years of bad ideas?

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@fro_vo

“I think therefore I am”

–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four

@slimmy_shady

If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

me: I’m going to build a time machine

him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for

me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs

@DanMentos

LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping

@astutenewf

I wonder if when my dog follows me into the bathroom it’s cause I follow him outside when he goes and he thinks that’s how it works. Meh.

@behindyourback

While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems

@JustDontBugMe

Dad: Maybe we should do it

Mom: You know it’s I-N-A-P-P-R-O-P-R-I-A-T-E to talk about it in front of the kids

6: What’s inappropriate Mom?

@charlieluffagus

I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…