@Hormonella

Broke a light bulb today.

Seven years of bad ideas?

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@Book_Krazy

Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?

Me: No

B: Tell me our company policy

M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober

@sara_ashlynn

My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.

@Sickayduh

“Dad, how come we use plastic forks and my friends all have silverware?”
– Because they’re poor and have to reuse everything.
“Pfft losers”

@Matt_the_1st

Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?

Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there

Cop:….

Me:..

Cop: sir, your tailamp is out

Me:…

@HatfieldAnne

Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.

@kelkulus

If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.

@bonehugsnirony

science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok

@ElliotHetherton

[Funeral]

He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”

@wolfmannjr

Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again