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@Hormonella: Broke a light bulb today.
Seven years of bad ideas?
@whoszachkolberg: My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
@kelkulus: Nobody has 3 cats. You either have 1 or 2, but from there you leap directly to 17.
@david8hughes: [describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
@ThatOneGoodVibe: The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
@evildadatron: Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit