broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
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They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.