broke down and did it
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to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard